No. 854



With your permission and hopefully your blessing, I would like to present a personal challenge to you. If you can read the following column without laughing out loud or at least cracking a smile, I will give you an autographed copy of my new book, the new and revised edition of “Learning, Earning & Giving Back.” However, I must limit this offer to the first 25 readers that I hear from, for obvious reasons. And you will be on your honor as to whether you laughed or smiled or not.
What follows is about a nun sitting at her desk grading papers from students in her class. These students were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by her students and they have not been retouched or corrected. Note that the incorrect spelling has been left in.
“No. 1 - In the first book of the Bible Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off. No. 2 - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears. No. 3 - Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. No. 4 – The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. No. 5 – Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. No. 6 – Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. No. 7 – Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. No. 8 – The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mountcyanide to get the ten commandments.
No. 9 – The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. No. 10 – The seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery. No. 11 – Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol. No. 12 – The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. No. 13 – David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. No. 14 – Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. No. 15 – When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
No. 16 – When the three wise guys from the East side arrived they found Jesus in the manager. No. 17 – Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. No. 18 – St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. No. 19 – Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained that man doth not live by sweat alone. No. 20 – It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. No. 21 – The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
No.22 – The epistels were the wives of the apostles. No. 23 – One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. No. 24 – St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. No. 25 – Christians only have one spouse. This is called monotony.”
Now, if you did not laugh or smile, let me know, and I will send you an autographed copy of my book. When you meet someone who has no smile, give them one of yours, because no one needs a smile as much, as those who have none left to give.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim Davidson is a public speaker and syndicated columnist. You may contact him at 2 Bentley Drive, Conway, AR 72034. To begin a bookcase literacy project visit You won’t go wrong helping a needy child.)