No. 555



To my way of thinking, there should be an exclusive club in this country for women who have spunk. These are the women who say in essence, I may go down, but I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm married to one of these women. My wife, Viola, has been battling Parkinson's for about eight years now and, Praise God, she is doing so well. In fact, at times she is a little feisty. This is what I thought of the other day when a friend sent me something titled, "Bounced Check" that was printed in Christian Voices. It was written by a 96-year-old woman after her bank had bounced one of her checks. The bank manager thought her response was so good that he sent it to The New York Times and they published it.
Let me share it with you and see if you don't agree. At least it should be worth a chuckle.
It begins, "Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check, with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
"My thankfulness springs for the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
"Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
"I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required for me to access my account balance on your bank phone service. As they say, imitation is the sincerely form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
5. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Your Humble Client."
My friend, if you didn't know before, now you know what spunk looks like.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim Davidson is a motivational speaker and syndicated columnist. You may contact him at 2 Bentley Drive, Conway, Ark. 72034. To support literacy, buy his book, "Learning, Earning & Giving Back.")